i surrender.

I laid on my bed last week trying to do things on my own. Make my own path. Walk in my own strength. Do things essentially the way I wanted them to be done, without regard for the obedience the Lord is calling me to walk in. I came to a point where I had to give up. My body literally went limp. The tension of fighting was gone. I came to a place of saying, "Lord, I surrender. I want to choose to walk on your path and in your strength." Even when I don't understand or see where I'm going in this season, "I'll go if you want me to."

Another place of surrender tonight. This song came on Pandora and accompanied my heart so perfectly:
"If You Want Me To" By Ginny Owens from her Without Condition album.

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I dont know the reason why you brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I will go through the valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

fenced in and hidden. things i do not understand

Call to Me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things, fenced in and hidden, which you do not know [do not distinguish and recognize, have knowledge of and understand].

Jeremiah 33:3 AMP

expectant hearts

I've never quite understood what it means to have an expectant heart. Before many services or times of worship, we are reminded to come before Him with an expectant heart. What does that even mean? How do I do that? Those are often my first concerns. I can tell myself that God is going to show up, but there is a disconnect somewhere between my mind and my heart. I can understand it intellectually, but in my heart, there is a sense of not truly believing or knowing.

I've wondered lately just what it means to have an expectant heart. And tonight while reading about Jesus retreating to the desert with the disciples at the time of Passover in John 11, a small connection was made about what it is to have an expectant heart.

The Jews were on their way to Jerusalem for a ceremonial cleansing before the Passover, and they kept looking for Jesus to arrive. "They kept looking for Jesus, and as they stood in the temple area they asked one another, 'What do you think? Isn't he coming to the Feast at all?'" John 11:56
I saw myself on my way to class and looking for a familiar face in the crowd.

I suddenly realized that I need to transfer that expectancy to see a friend on campus to an expectancy or excitement of really encountering the Lord. What if I had such an excitement to allow him to lavish me with his love or dance over me or embrace me with his truth and peace in times of uncertainty and loneliness?
He'd probably blow me away in amazement.

not perfection. not performance. a process.

"IN [this] freedom Christ has made us free [and completely liberated us]; stand fast then, and do not be hampered and held ensnared and submit again to a yoke of slavery [which you have once put off]." Galatians 5:1 AMP

I lately discovered a missing piece (or peace) about my freedom. I fully believed in my mind that I was free, but there was just something I didn't understand, a place of unrest in my heart. Why do distractions present themselves and I allow them to lead me away from the truth? There was doubt and a lack of peace knowing that things aren't perfect after having found my identity in Christ and accepting the freedom only He can bring.

I declared this: "I am free!" And the whisper of the enemy, "Then why do you still have these fearful thoughts?" entered my mind before I even finished the statement. That deceiving question was quieted so quickly with this: "Freedom is not done perfectly. It is not a performance. It is a process. I am gaining freedom daily."

A Glimpse of the Father’s Heart

I’ve been so anxious to learn, experience, and truly know my Perfect Father’s heart. The Lord started to reveal His character to me several months ago, and I’ve clung onto it and His precious love for me since then. Before I was bound to the thought that I had to live without sin before Almighty God lest I be an unworthy person. And by the way, I am worthy. He has made me worthy, only by His blood, to be called a daughter of the Most High, a child of the King. I am His Beloved, the apple of His eye.

Several nights ago, after bitterness, anger, and vulnerability, He gave me a huge revelation of His great love through my earthly father. I drove to meet him in Dallas for dinner as he was passing through, and somehow, not even a half mile from where he was, I made a wrong turn and ended up lost for an hour and a half. When we finally figured out how I needed to get there, I very upset to say the least. I walked into the store, and upon seeing my face, my dad chuckled and suggested I get some water to rehydrate from all the crying. But after his moment of humor, he opened his arms and embraced his daughter. He welcomed me there even though I was so frustrated at him for telling me the wrong directions. His hug and reassurance that everything was okay was such a relief. That is lesson number one, he welcomed me in his loving arms and embraced his daughter despite being lost and the anger and frustrations minutes before.

I had prayed on the way there that my present emotions wouldn’t intrude on the time I would soon have with my dad and that I’d have the courage to be vulnerable with some thoughts I’ve wrestled with. After my rehydration ☺ and a few minutes browsing in the store, we started talking.. There was a pause, and in that pause, the Holy Spirit welled up in me some kind of courage. I just spilled my heart, my fears and worries, the things I’d thought I could never let my dad know. His response shocked me and brought me to tears, “Everything is okay, baby. If there’s anything you need to be worried about or something that you can change, I’ll let you know.” I had the day before asked the Lord to reveal to me things in my life that need correction. Did you get that? If there is something that you need to change, I’ll let you know! He won’t let me miss what He wants me to know.

Here are some examples I’ve learned along this way:

"When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say.” Luke 12:11-12

-I cannot worry about what I need to change. I can only do what I KNOW I need to be doing. That which I KNOW I need to be doing will be revealed by the Holy Spirit at the perfect time!

“This is what the LORD says—
your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
"I am the LORD your God,
who teaches you what is best for you,
who directs you in the way you should go.
If only you had paid attention to my commands,
your peace would have been like a river,
your righteousness like the waves of the sea.”
Isaiah 48:17-18

-My Redeemer, the Lord my God, teaches me what is best. He directs me according to His will. And when I obey his directions, doing what I know I need to be doing, peace overflows. When there is an absence of peace, I know I’ve not paid that careful attention to His commands. The Enemy cannot counterfeit peace. And when peace prevails, I know what I’m doing is bringing a smile to His face.

But I am not called to be perfect. I am not called to hold the whole earth in my hands, to know everything, or work out of my own strength. That is who the Holy Spirit is. He has it all taken care of. He knows everything, and will surely let me know what needs to be done in my heart and give me the strength to do so. My Heavenly Father teaches me what I need to know when I need to know it. Nothing is too early or too late.

I love how He answers prayers how He wants to. He is creative and catches our attention through even the tiniest things.

latest journey

Some of you have asked me why I transferred, so here is the story. It’s a tad bit long, maybe even a novel.

Well, the Lord has done a mighty work since January. While I was at Mercy Ministries, I learned to listen to the Lord’s voice and really just soak in His presence. During a time of sitting in His presence on May 19^th in the backyard, I was praying about going back to Ouachita and the community I have there. I wanted to do things differently than I had in the previous three semesters. I anticipated returning to school and renewing friendships, all while having a whole new perspective. I was so excited to walk out my freedom back at Ouachita. Legalism and religiosity had characterized my life for years until He shattered boxes and tore down walls. While I was praying that day, Texas A&M suddenly popped into mind. Fears and questions took control of my thoughts. I don’t want to go. I’m already registered for classes, have a roommate, and a place to live. How can I leave friendships and go where I know virtually no one? Where am I going to live? I’m sure everyone already has housing set up for the fall. Is this really you, God? You cannot do this. This is absolutely impossible. What church will I go to? How will I find another accountability partner? How will I make friends? That's to say the least.

All of those fears and thoughts were overruled by peace.

One Mercy staff told me, “If you do anything, follow peace.”

There is a peace about going and a peace about leaving.

Here’s a list of the things that calmed my fears:

My Princess…GO WHERE I SEND YOU We read this a few nights after that time spend in the backyard.

These are from messages during class…

5.18.09 Priscilla Shirer said, “You are better off obeying God and feeling uncomfortable than if you stay comfortable and fine where you are.”

5.20.09 Erwin McManus said, “As followers of Christ, we take very few risks and play it safe. We need to have more courage and guts.”

5.20.09 Priscilla Shirer said, “God speaks not only to be heard but to be obeyed. When God speaks, our response is not to think, but obey. It will be uncomfortable and maybe even painful.”

5.28.09 Joyce Meyer said, “Do what you believe God is telling you to do and keep doing it.”

5.28.09 Erwin McManus said, “Go until you get a no!”

This story has several significant parts to it, so here we go!

DREAMS-

In March, four girls from Oral Roberts University came for their spring break to work around the home. During that week, one of the girls spoke to us about her dreams being restored. The dreams that the enemy tried to steal away from her were restored. The Lord brought her full circle from being kicked out of the dorms to being asked to be an RA. That is pretty cool to me. All of that got me to thinking. What were my dreams as a kid? I wanted to be a teacher, a mom, a doctor, and so many other things. I couldn’t figure out what dreams were being restored to me. But two months later, the Spirit showed me that going to Texas A&M was one of my big dreams. I wanted to go there from the time I was thirteen years old until seventeen. This is just one of the things being restored back to me.

SEASONS-

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. Seasons in life come and go. People come and go. Jobs come and go. My time at Mercy came and went. Life is full of seasons. Ouachita, for me, was one of those. Now I’m willingly walking into another one. Or two. I’m headed to a new school. And the other, I’m walking with the Spirit into FREEDOM. This season will last a lifetime.

I’M NOT IN CONTROL-

I tried to make it all work on my own, and it cost me. I lost a couple of weeks to fear, worry, and planning. I wasn’t sitting and waiting on the Lord for what He wanted me to do. I had to apply to Blinn. I had to register for classes. I had to find a place to live and a church to go to. I had to pay for this myself.

My parents had heard very little of this and what I felt called to do, and as a result, insisted that I finish all four years at Ouachita and get my Master’s at A&M. Those were rough, tearful phone calls. I had to do it on my own penny. Then, I was absolutely not allowed to do this. Then, we’re not talking about this when you’re 600 miles away home.

I finally realized I couldn’t do this just yet. The day I registered for classes I went outside on the back porch to read and soak. But I couldn’t concentrate. I wondered if I did the right thing. I wondered if I was rushing this, so I marched right back upstairs and un-registered. Then, there was peace. There was still some worry about a place to live, but my counselor said that I was not to go back into the classroom to work on after-Mercy plans. It was out of my control for good.

CIRCUMSTANCES-

Tricia shared with me three things from Take Another Look at Guidance that should line up: the Word of God, the Holy Spirit, and circumstances. For me the first two were great, but the last, not so much. My dad would have nothing to do with my transferring schools. I thought that maybe this was a time that I need to go out on my own. I didn’t have a peace about going back to Ouachita last fall and neither did I a year later. There was no way I could get out of not being allowed to transfer. Even after graduation, I thought maybe I could without my parents and try to manipulate the situation so I was still honoring and respecting my parents. Even my accountability said the biggest thing right now was for my dad to approve.

When I got home from Mercy at the end of June, I was praying and thinking about a time to talk to my dad and a weekend to go look for a place to live. I wanted the timing to be right. During a worship service, I really felt the Lord saying, “Sit still, daughter.” I waited for the Lord. When I did that and stopped worrying about a time to talk, MY DAD CALLED ME WANTING TO TALK AND HE WANTED TO SET A TIME TO TALK, which is very uncharacteristic of him. He had some information for me to gather, and one of those was transfer requirements, which I had spent plenty of time studying. I had some how skipped worrying about hours that would transfer. I read that the requirement was 24, and my stomach was immediately in knots. I’d taken 46 hours at Ouachita, but when I went to add the actual transferable hours up, I was sure I’d only have 14, maybe 16. No! The number kept growing. I didn’t have 24 hours, but 25! That was reason for a praise party.

I had taken a break from facebook that weekend and when I got home Monday night, it was 11:30. I felt like I should check my email. I waited and spent time working some things out with the Lord. Finally at 12:30 AM, I checked my messages, and I had received one from a possible roommate saying she’d be in College Station this weekend if I want to come see the apartment. She sent that message at 11:30 that night. That was also the same weekend that would work best for me to go visit. Another praise party.

THE TALK-

Those three events brought up such excitement in me, that even though I was extremely nervous of what my dad would say and the possibility of my paying for everything or even going back to Ouachita, I was still more excited than nervous. Tuesday night came, and we sat down for a nice discussion. I was giving him all the information he asked for, but for some reason he thought I was already accepted to Texas A&M. When he realized that I planned on going to Blinn, he went to the automatic "No". And where I would have become very upset before, I was calm. I had to go upstairs to get some papers, the whole time getting real serious with Jesus and continuing my prayer for my dad, a softened heart. I got the papers, came back down, and within minutes his whole demeanor changed. He realized that all of this was not a sham. I had done my research and knew what I was talking about. He softly said, “Okay. You can do this.” And tears began to fall. In minutes the Lord changed those circumstances that were impossible to possible. He changed my dad’s heart.

A MONTH AND A HALF LATER-

I’ve moved into my duplex with two great girls and am so pumped about this new year. I excited to walk out my freedom in college. It sounds like a silly thing, but it’s not. Going to college was a way to start over, but not in a good way. I wasn’t “recovered” like people thought I was. I was quietly bound in chains of death, an eating disorder, depression, and perfectionism. BUT NOW I’M FREE.

These verses played over and over through this journey

John 8:34-36

Jesus said, "I tell you most solemnly that anyone who chooses a life of sin is trapped in a dead-end life and is, in fact, a slave. A slave is a transient, who can't come and go at will. The Son, though, has an established position, the run of the house. So if the Son sets you free, you are free through and through.

Proverbs 3:1-8

My son, do not forget my teaching, But let your heart keep my commandments; For length of days and years of life And peace they will add to you. Do not let kindness and truth leave you; Bind them around your neck, Write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute In the sight of God and man. Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the LORD and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones.

John 10: 1-5

I tell you the truth, the man who does not enter the sheep pen by the gate, but climbs in by some other way, is a thief and a robber. The man who enters by the gate is the shepherd of his sheep. The watchman opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger's voice."

Psalm 27: 13-14

I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

No Coincidences Here.

As many of you probably know, there are some big changes the Lord has placed on my heart and asked me to do. There is a possibility of moving to a new state, a new school, and leave friendships and pretty much my home at Ouachita. It's been what seems like forever trying to know what to do and how to make such a big change. I took steps to rush the process, but was quickly reminded I couldn't rush His timing. This is just one of the ways God is teaching me to rest in Him and trust.

I spent the 4th of July in Dallas with family and friends, and my friend drove me back to the hotel after we hung out. During many turn-arounds while trying to find it, I noticed a street named, "Buckingham." It caught my attention, but I didn't give it much thought. Last night, I was reading the first chapter of Priscilla Shirer's Discerning the Voice Of God . It all started with this statement: "He desires to make Himself known to the seeking heart." My heart wants all that He has for me, and I do not want to miss Him.

I have been praying for confirmations daily, "Lord, I need you to show me what you want me to do. Confirm things for me. I might miss it, but show me in a huge way so that I don't." I am just a child, new at hearing His voice and walking out of unbelief into a huge world of believing and trusting. I want Him to catch my attention in big ways-great revelation, signs, wonders-anything so that I know I have not missed Him. Well, I know I have not missed Him right now.

I have been in a season that pretty much every time I inquire the Lord about the fall, I feel He says, "Wait, my daughter." Still, God? "Yes." I have been waiting for almost two months now. Anytime I run ahead on my own, the Holy Spirit reminds me that I've increased my pace and have gone on without His peace or guidance.

Doubt, fear, confusion, and uncertainty have plagued my mind. I've wondered if I'm hearing His voice correctly. Corrie Ten Boom said, "If you want to hear God's voice clearly and you are uncertain, then remain in His presence until He changes this uncertainty. Often much can happen during this waiting on the Lord. Sometimes He changes pride into humility; doubt into faith and peace; sometimes lust into purity. The Lord can and will do it." He has changed uncertainty into certainty and doubt into faith and peace.

Shirer talks about Habakkuk and his being prepared to wait for the answers. Habakkuk said "I will stand on my guard post and station myself on the rampart; and I will keep watch to see what He will speak to me, and how I may reply when I am reproved" (Habakkuk 2:1).
This is where she mentions Buckingham Palace. I would not have paid the reference to it had she stopped with the mention of the palace, but she didn't.

She mentions that the words "stand" and "station" are military terms. Habakkuk's use of them reminds her of the guards outside of the Buckingham Palace--they refuse to move. No matter what happens, "they know what they've been assigned to do, and they won't allow themselves to be distracted."

It is no coincidence that I saw the Buckingham street sign in Dallas yesterday. I feel as if I am assigned a job similar to a palace guard. I am gently told to wait, and in this waiting time, I refuse to move and let anything distract me from my job. The questions from my parents have no power to distract me. Deadlines have no power to distract me. As odd as it seems to my family, I do not have to know exactly what I am to do at this time. When I've become impatient and tried to rush the process of knowing what I am going to do, He has instilled in me patience and grace. How unfamiliar patience and grace are to me, but they are my most valuable weapons at this time.